my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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