Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
