Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize