I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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