Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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