wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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