i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
