My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
