everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
