I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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