Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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