shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
