I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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