i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize