I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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