dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
