I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
