I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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