I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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