Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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