nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
