so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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