i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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