Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
