Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
