He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
