please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
