i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
