omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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