Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
