im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
