you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm always down for nudity.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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