It was confusing and full of hummus
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
