Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize