i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
