she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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