My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
