I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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