Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
