I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
