he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
