jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
