They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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