nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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