Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
