I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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