He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Im part way to drunk.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
