Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
