You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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