I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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