I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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