My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
