Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
