what if every blade of grass was a penis?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
