I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
