So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
